Horrible Squirrel Ball of Doom

I spent the last year working on The Sock Puppets From Hell novel and that literary masterpiece will be released on Halloween of this year.  And while this is my first book of any sort, I’ve actually been writing Sock Puppet stories for over a decade.  I had a few of them up online briefly, but for the most part, very few people have ever read any of them.

What follows is one of those stories, Horrible Squirrel Ball of Doom.  I wrote in back in 2006 and, like the rest of my writing, it’s terrible and reading it will actually cause several of your brain cells to suicide themselves.

But it does provide a brief introduction to some of the Sock Puppets From Hell characters.  Read it if you want.

Horrible Squirrel Ball of Doom

Sock Puppets From Hell - Squirrel Ball of Doom

Sam sat at the kitchen table, sipping his coffee and enjoying the momentary calm. It had been exactly three hours since any of the four Sock Puppets — Bob, Lost Cause, Doctor Sanity and Goblin — destroyed something or killed someone.

“Sam, I made something for you,” Doctor Sanity announced from behind him. Sam didn’t want to turn around. He knew that Doctor Sanity, the mad genius of the Sock Puppets, was probably about to show him something horrible. The last time Sanity had told Sam that he had made something for him, it turned out that the Doctor had found a way to make an electric toothbrush out of a chainsaw and an old broom.

Not only did it remove plaque, it could also cut through walls. Like most of his other inventions, Sam buried it in the backyard.

“Sam, look! Look at what I’ve done,” Doctor Sanity said, now standing right along side his chair. Sam, still in his robe, closed his eyes, took a deep breath, muttered an old curse he had learned from his grandfather and then exhaled. He opened his eyes and looked down. Doctor Sanity was standing next to….a basketball.

“You invented a basketball,” Sam asked hopefully. “Please tell me that’s just a basketball.”

Doctor Sanity smiled. “Not quite, Sam. I’ve invented an inescapable prison for that damn squirrel that’s been running amok.”

It took a few seconds for Sam to catch up with what Doctor Sanity was saying. “You think that basketball,” Sam said slowly, “Is going to hold a squirrel?”

Doctor Sanity nodded. “And not just any squirrel, Sam,” he said in a cheery voice, “That rogue villain of a rodent that’s been using our trees like his own personal jungle-gym. I’ve found a way to contain his madness.”

“So let me get this straight,” Sam said, “You’ve decided that you’re going to put a squirrel inside that basketball and you’re going to do this because you think the squirrel is insane and needs to be stopped.”

Doctor Sanity nodded again. “Absolutely. Only you should stop speaking hypothetically. I’ve already captured the beast.” He glanced over at the basketball, sitting beside him.

The noise that came out of Sam was a combination hiss and scream. He recoiled in shock. “Are you saying you’ve already put the squirrel into that ball,” Sam asked, not really wanting to know.

“Indeed,” Doctor Sanity said proudly, “That son of a bitch is trapped in here but something good. This world is now a safer place for all of us.”

Sam went a little pale as a few more years were removed from his lifespan. “How, exactly,” he said slowly, “Did you go about capturing a squirrel and then trapping him inside of that ball?”

“Good question,” Doctor Sanity answered, “It wasn’t easy. And the garbage man was horribly maimed in the process. We should probably send him a card.”

Sam’s shoulders dropped a little and he could feel an aneurism starting to form in his head. “What did you do to the garbage man?”

“The answer to that question will upset you, Sam,” the Doctor announced. “You’ll probably sleep better at night not knowing. Just understand that it was an unfortunate, yet entirely preventable tragedy that everyone involved feels horribly about.”

“I see,” Sam said. His eyes were now closed and he was struggling to give in to the urge to kick Doctor Sanity across the room. “Humor me and give me a clue?”

“Okay. Before the unfortunate accident occurred, the garbage man had two legs. But now he has none. Also most of his fingers are gone. And I confiscated his wallet and cellphone.” He looked up at Sam.

Sam was sitting there, holding his head in his hands with both eyes closed. In his mind, he was trying to block it all out. The squirrel, the crazy little Sock Puppet who he was talking to, and whatever Sanity had done to the garbage man, who was a really nice guy.

The Sock Puppets did senseless, incredibly destructive things like this all the time. This time it was Doctor Sanity. But they were all equally bad. Sam hated all of them and if he could figure out a way to kill them, he certainly would.

“And whatever you do,” Doctor Sanity continued, “Never, not even ever, bounce the ball more than once.”

Sam allowed himself to resume breathing. “Why?”

“Because the explosives arm on the first bounce and go off on the second.”

Sam looked over at Doctor Sanity and the basketball. Fear-sweat began to stream down his face. “Explosives?”

“Yup,” Doctor Sanity said proudly, “It’s what makes the prison so effective. If any of his little squirrel friends try to come and spring him free, they’ll no doubt activate the explosive trigger. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“Oh Dear God,” Sam muttered. “Doc, get away from the ball. Come sit with me out on the couch. I need to think.”

“Okay, I like thinking,” Sanity said as he followed Sam out into the living room. Sam plopped down on the couch and Doctor Sanity hopped up alongside him.

“Is there anyway to disarm it,” Sam asked nervously in a low voice.

“Nope. Why would you want to disarm explosives? That’s like taking the blades off a lawnmower. You WANT the explosives to explode.”

The sweat coming off Sam’s head now was a steady river. “What are our options,” Sam asked, his voice now just a shade above a whisper.

“I could paint the ball green. That would be neat, eh?”

Sam stopped breathing and shook his head. “Stop talking.”

“Cool,” Lost Cause called out from the kitchen, “A new basketball!”

Sam and Doctor Sanity looked at each other. Sam’s face was twisted in terror and a stream a urine was running down his right leg. Doctor Sanity was smiling like a child on Christmas morning.

They heard the ball bounce once. “Goblin is gonna love this!” The ball bounced again.

Then all the downstairs windows blew out and thick, black smoke came billowing out of the kitchen. The shockwave knocked both Doctor Sanity and Sam off of the couch. Car alarms could be heard going off up and down the street.

From the kitchen, Lost Cause managed to eek out two pain-filled sentences. “Sam, I need you to come in here, man.  Bring all the band-aids you can find.”

Meet the Sock Puppets From Hell Characters

Not in real life, stupid.  I mean like you can read about them and shit.

Sock Puppets From Hell - Meet the Characters

Hi, there.  It’s been several days since my last blog post so I thought I’d take a break from drinking scotch and peeing on things and give an update on what I’ve been doing with myself.  Besides drinking scotch and peeing on things.

I’ve built a “Characters” section here on the website.  This is meant to serve as guide to the various personalities that comprise the Sock Puppets From Hell saga.  If you aren’t yet familiar with these characters, this gives you the opportunity to learn about them without having to buy my book.

But to be clear, you still need to buy my book.  Don’t think this gets you out of that obligation, motherfucker.

You’ll notice that I’ve broken down all the characters into four main categories; The Sock Puppets, Humans, Demons and The Sheep.  At this point, most of my literate audience has probably left and deleted this website from their browsing history.

Anyway, I’m also in the process of adding some original sketch art (drawn by me, usually while I’m drunk and in between PEE ON EVERYTHING adventures) for each of the characters.  In this way, I can also manage to offend my remaining non-literate audience, forcing them to abandon this website as fast as their BACK buttons will take them.  I am alone.

And for the NONE OF YOU who are still reading this blog post, you should now direct your attention to the Characters Page and begin reading all about all of the interesting and morally offensive stars of The Sock Puppets From Hell novel.

Also, because I have ZERO DOLLARS set aside for sales and marketing purposes, please share this website and every goddamn blog post and page across all of your Facebooks and Twitters and SnapChats.  Or wherever else you people hang out.

Alright.  Fuck this, back to scotch and pissing on things that don’t belong to me but should.



What the Hell are the Sock Puppets From Hell?

Seriously.  WTF?


I should probably start off by saying that The Sock Puppets From Hell are not a band.  Because that would be a really fucking great name for a band.

The Sock Puppets From Hell is an upcoming novel by Dan Cheek that chronicles the misadventures of four Sock Puppets.  Who are from Hell.  But who are now on Earth, living in a house with a guy named Sam.  Bad things happen to everyone involved.

These Sock Puppets each have names; Bob, Doctor Sanity, Lost Cause and Goblin.  Each of them are terrible, but in different ways.  And collectively, oh man, they are really terrible.

So these four Sock Puppets live with Sam, a guy who’s life isn’t super great before the Puppets invade his home.  And after the Sock Puppets start living with Sam, his life gets blown to shit.

Literally.  I wrote a scene in the book that involves human fecal matter being blown up.

Anyway, there’s a reason the Sock Puppets From Hell are living with Sam.  There’s a reason they left Hell.  There’s also a demon, a couple of witches and mentally deranged murderer.  And a sheep.  But I don’t wanna get into all of that just yet.

If any or all of this sounds at least a little bit interesting to you, I would recommend you buy a copy of The Sock Puppets From Hell when I self-publish it this Fall.  And if none of this sounds interesting, well, you should also buy a copy of the book.

Just all of you buy my fucking book because I just spent a fucking year writing a novel about Sock Puppets and oh god my life is a mess.  BUY MY SOCK PUPPET BOOK!

For all the latest information and updates on Sam, Bob, Lost Cause, Goblin and Doctor Sanity, stay tuned to this website.

Questions?  Comments?  Use the little white box below to write your words and I’ll read them and respond.  Maybe.